The fourth Peace Soup gathering on March 13 was titled "Grant that I may not so much seek...to be understood as to understand." Sisters Joan Theiss, Teresa Kunkel, and Eileen Golby hosted the fourth session of "Hate Has No Home Here: Becoming Instruments of Peace" at Prince of Peace parish hall for a group of 70 people.

 

Sisters Teresa Kunkel and Eileen Golby spoke about violent communication and compassionate or nonviolent communication, using excerpts from Marshall Rosenberg's book,Nonviolent Communication.Sister Martinelle Bonnell, Sister Michael Marie Burns, and Lori Freudenberg, Franciscan Peace Center Community Outreach Director; acted out role play exercises designed to encourage discussion about solutions and personal experiences with communication.

 

Sister Teresa spoke to the group about methods of dominant, or violent, communication. They are bullying, having racial bias, blaming, speaking without listening, criticizing self and others, being defensive, name calling, and reacting with anger."Marshall Rosenberg, when listing these as main ways to participate in dominant or violent communication states, sadly, that world cultures teach these methods as normal, which can lead to depression, anger, and physical violence," she said.

 

In the first role play, Sister Burns demonstrated dominant communication, acting as a woman behind a desk in a government aid office. Sister Bonnell played the part of the client. After the role play Sister Joan posed the question, "What did you observe happening when the domination method was used?"

 

"Not everyone knows how to say what they want to say correctly," said one attendee, Roberta Peters of Clinton. "I've noticed that because people don't know how, they're judged or misunderstood."

 

For the next segment, Sister Eileen conveyed information on compassionate communication, saying, "Nonviolent communication helps us to connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It gives us an opportunity to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness in four areas: what we are observing, what we are feeling, what we are needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives." She quoted Rosenberg about the scope of its use, adding, "Some people use nonviolent communication to respond compassionately to themselves, and to others, some to create greater depth in personal relationships and ... to build effective relationships in the workplace or even in the political arena.But worldwide, nonviolent communication is used to mediate disputes and conflict.'"

 

For the second role play, Freudenberg illustrated nonviolent communication and Sister Martinelle once again acted as the client. Sister Joan then asked the group, "What have you learned that will make you better communicators?"

 

Attendee Allen Hansen answered with, "Trying to understand the other person's point of view, especially after the last election for the presidency, is important. So many people don't take the time to understand the other person's viewpoint."

 

Sister Joan addressed the group, saying "Some of the Jetter family came in...and we would like to introduce them to you this evening." Dina White, the sister of the late Vinson Jetter, and former president of the center, stood and spoke on behalf of the center. "We are a center for youth for a safe nonviolent drug-free community. Our organization is open to all the youth and families in the area." White expressed gratitude for the community and its donations over the past 25 years, specifically First United Methodist Church for providing a place to hold the June 1 Soul Food Dinner fundraiser and the fall pumpkin giveaway.

 

Highlights from the March 13 Peace Soup

Sister Teresa described methods of dominant or violent communication according to Marshall Rosenberg, author of the book, Nonviolent Communication, who lists the following ways to participate in dominant or violent communication:

• Judging others: claiming someone is good or bad, right or wrong, quickly forming biases or personal opinions of someone or something.

• Bullying: can be verbal, social, or physical.

• Verbal:  includes saying or writing mean things

• Social: involves hurting someone's reputation or relationship

• Physical:  includes hurting a person's body or possessions

• National studies show that about 20-21% of students have been bullied and 70% of young people and school staff have seen bullying.

• Having racial bias: John Dovidio, Professor of Psychology at Yale conducted research on aversive racism. He states the majority of white Americans -about two-thirds or three-fourths have the unconscious implicit racial bias.

• Blaming: the act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible.

• Speaking without listening: these people interrupt, change the topic to what they're interested in, they don't really look at you, they never ask questions, they seem to drift off into their own world and are easily distracted.

• Criticizing self and others: Psychology Today states when you throw negative energy at another human being you are hurting him or her whether you realize it or not. You have the ability to interfere with another self-esteem and self -worth, which changes who they are and how they perceive the world around them. Self-criticism is often associated with depression. By late adolescence self-criticism expands to criticism of others and by adulthood it appears to have shifted entirely to criticism of others. As hard as they are on others, most are at least equally as hard on themselves. What was interesting to know is that you're likely to be the last to know whether you are a critical person.

• Being defensive:  someone on the defense is concerned with justifying their actions or words. They're trying to protect themselves from feeling uncomfortable.

• Name calling:  it's abusive insulting language referring to a person or group, it is verbal abuse and researchers feel it is the most damaging form of bullying. Some victims become so depressed that they begin to feel worthless, hopeless, and out of control. They may even contemplate suicide.

• Reacting with anger: this can lead to fighting and physical hurt of oneself or another.

 

Sister Eileen described methods of compassionate or nonviolent communication according to Marshall Rosenberg, who said, "What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings but it is not the cause."

 

Nonviolent communication helps us to connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.

 

Nonviolent communication guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness in

• what we are observing,

• what we are feeling,

• what we are needing, and

• what we are requesting to enrich our lives.

 

Nonviolent communication

• fosters deep listening, respect, empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart

• is used to respond compassionately to ourselves, and to others, some to create greater depth in personal relationships

• is used to build effective relationships in the workplace or even in the political arena

• is used worldwide to mediate disputes and conflict

 

Nonviolent communication integrates

• principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage and authenticity

• language, understanding how words contribute to connection or distance

• communication, knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others in disagreement and how to move toward solutions that will work for all

• influence, sharing power with others rather than using power over others

 

 

Handout: NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION HELPS

 

"Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD

PuddleDancer Press

www.NonviolentCommunication.com

 

TED Talks by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD

• Nonviolent Communication Part 1 (9.35 minutes)

• Nonviolent Communication Part 2 (5.48 minutes)

• Nonviolent Communication Part 3 (4.26 minutes)

• The Basics of Nonviolent Communication - a one day workshop (3 hrs.)

 

TED Talks by Elizabeth Lesser

• Take the Other to Lunch (11.08 minutes)

 

TED Talks by Julian Treasure

• 5 Ways to Listen Better (7.43 minutes)

 

ARTICLES BY Susan Krauss Whitbourne PhD

• 10 Tips for Talking to People You Can't Agree With - Psychology Today

• 10 Tips to Talk About Anything with Anyone - Psychology Today

• How You Can Get Along with People You Really Don't Like - Psychology Today